free falling.

Have you ever met anyone that has left you with a lasting impression? You could have been speaking to them for just an hour or, even, just a minute, but their words, plus the way they carried themselves, still linger with you inevitably. People with this skill just blow me away. When I’m blessed enough to meet such a person the thought of them makes it so easy to just forget all past lessons learnt- it gives me the courage to try. Try to break all the walls down, try to learn more about them, try to raise my self confidence, etc. I guess you could generalize it to: Try to be the best me- and, in my opinion, whatever gives you that type of strength, that “whatever” must be pretty damn amazing.

Late Night Thoughts.

Somewhere on the outskirts of reality lays a mind tainted with Alize and ecstasy. Too familiar with the torn up and forgotten reasons of “maybes”, and maybe if you peel off layers of regret you’ll get to the source of their obvious issues. Their past lessons and heroes, their old “I-love-you”s and “I-miss-you”s. Now, this piece wasn’t meant to rhyme because, like life, nothing can sustain constant patterns, but I will throw in a few because, sometimes, life can also make you feel like everything is in perfect alignment. So, tell me how you’re feeling and I’ll show you which lines to read because we also know that, as humans, we choose what we want to see: perceptive belief. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, or is it purely “good”, but it leaves lives esoteric. Think of it this way, if you’re only understood by a few, and the few turns to one, and the one inevitably turns into no one, then your poison becomes your best friend. At this point, I guess, we can’t really blame those with manually-skewered realities.

Lately.

It feels like everyday, that passes by, buries a little piece of “what was” with it. Lately, everything has been so out of control. I didn’t pick this, or did I want it, but yet it came. It’s like, as I pass streetlights people are slowly stepping out of the cab, and I’m heading towards a destination that even I don’t know yet. It’s not that I want to plan out every little aspect of my life, nor do I want to keep everyone within it- I just wish I could anticipate the perpetual outcome of all of this. Everything is leaving me feeling so helpless, lately.

simple-minded.

These are the times I wish I could fall into someone and just spend a lazy afternoon with. After an amazing weekend I just want to kick back and be comfortable- I miss having someone to share that comfortability with: Sweatpants, video games, and junk food. I want to do nothing with the feeling of having everything I need. Nevertheless, “you can’t rush somethings, I will when I do”. I know I’ll find it sooner or later, I just hope it ends up being sooner than later.

vent.

You don’t make it very hard to be the better person. Truth is, as the great pretender you are, you will only ever be a pretender. Don’t get me wrong, you could go mouthing-off about how amazing you are at things, or how genuinely nice you are; but, since you’re only putting up an act, lets just say, your pedestal has been, and will always be, temporary. Man the fuck up- stop saying shit you don’t mean.

family.

I will always be that protective older cousin. I don’t care if you’re 12 or 19, I will still be the other side of the phone at 1am if you need me. I’ll find you a way home if you’re on-your-ass-drunk on a Saturday night. I’m going to make sure that your boyfriend/girlfriend is a better-than-amazing person. Why? because I fucking care. Why? because when I see you, I see me and the help that I needed. I’m not saying I’m going to hold your hand as you walk through life, but you best believe that I’m going to have pieces to your map. For everything else, I’m going to try my best to be behind you 100%.

Love & Basketball.

I always become so attached to my team.  Lately, I’ve spent every Saturday morning coaching a group of kids at my church. We start with prayer, transition into practice, and always end with games. What inspires me the most is that these kids give up late nights the days before, and know that, when they do come, I’m going to push their bodies as hard as I can. They never complain, they always listen intently, and, above anything else, they come inspired and prepared. I’ve never met people so in love with the game- being with them lately has sparked my motivation to get back into what I’m into. I’ve written more, played more, and designed more since we’ve started. I’m going to miss it. Above everything, I think they’ve helped me in greater quantities than I could have ever taught them.

Voodoo

Don’t underestimate the determination of a single inspired being. We created light during dark hours, energy through simple elements, and communication across vast oceans. So, when someone tells you they will be there for you, believe them. If they want to, they will. all other accounts of absence is out of your hands- you can never rekindle someone else’s will power- it’s on them.

walking backwards.

A trust free life is not equivalent to a stress free personae. I was taught that the hard way. I have perforates on my beliefs, with black lights shining through, because success is less when you have no witnesses. You see, my fighting stance consists of open arms and droplets swinging to a past life. Let’s put it this way, I’m still persistently resisting the waves of having to see tomorrow without my yesterday- and, as yesterday consistently grows further than arms length apart I continue to chase it, using memories as stepping stones.

It’s funny, when I look into mirrors I see that I’ve barely grown, but as nostalgia hits me, like it always seems to, I’ve realized that everything has changed. That is, everything but me. I’m still scared of starting over, still scared of making the same mistakes, still scared of letting someone else in. I’m, simply, still scared. Thus, I reiterate my opening statement: “a trust free life is not equivalent to a stress free personae”. Although, no one else gets close enough to hurt me, my worries still devour everything because I know, while you’re taking chances, you’ll find someone who will never hurt you- someone better than me.

Let go & let God.

The thing about goodbyes is that there is never any give or take- goodbyes are, generally, all “take”. On either side of the farewell there is always questions that will never be answers, or supposed-to-bes that will, simply, never be. Which is why, the only thing you can do is let it be- let the future be, let your heartache be, let your paranoia be- there’s nothing else you can do. Focus on the decisions and situations you’re in/have now, and let God do the rest.